A Wall Of Stars
by MyAmethyst
Summary: As their friendship stands on the edge of a blade, Lily brings Severus to one of her favourite spots. Note: This AU is set in 1978, four weeks after finishing their studies at Hogwarts. The mudblood incident never happened.


"Where exactly are we going?" The words broke through the relative stillness of night, the voice carrying over the deserted street as would an echo.

A smile on her lips, Lily Evans adjusted the straps of her rucksack, and threw a sideways glance at the person who kept pace beside her.

Severus Snape had been part of her life for nearly a decade now. They had met as children, two years prior to starting their studies at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. At first glance, they had been a mismatched duo, opposites. They had clicked nonetheless, remained best friends to this day.

"Just wait. You'll see. We're almost there," Lily replied.

As a dog barked somewhere in the distance, they kept on walking. Finally, after about ten minutes, their destination came into view.

"The old Muggle library?"

Looking over her shoulder, Lily saw that Severus had stopped. Clearly perplexed, he stood looking up at the building, both hands tucked into his pockets.

Quiet laughter rising in her throat, she reached back, and tugged at his sleeve. "Yes, now come along."  
>Careful not to be seen, they made their way to a side door.<p>

"I must say I'm surprised. I didn't think you were the type to engage in breaking and entering." By his tone of voice, she could tell that Severus was amused.

Retrieving her wand from the back pocket of her jeans, she pointed it toward the doorknob, clarified, "First, we're not breaking anything. _Alohomora_." The door unlocked with a click, then she pushed it open. "And second, nobody will know because no one ever comes here."

With that, Lily slipped into the shadows, and Severus followed.

As the door clanged shut, she lifted her wand in front of her. "_Homenum Revelio_."

Nothing happened. They were alone.

"I thought you were positive no one was here." Severus was definitely teasing her now, and she could easily imagine the half-smile he wore.

"I was. Well... almost."

Little by little, their eyes adjusted to the darkness. They were in a small hallway just off the main room. Moments later, as they emerged in the largest part of the building, Severus looked around, asked, "What's the story here? Why did they move?"

"They wanted more space, I think. It's too bad. I rather liked coming here." Her mind flashed back to a time when the room had been filled with books and bookcases, the subtle scent of paper filling the air.

From where she stood, Lily looked to her friend, and studied his expression. Although Severus had never embraced the Muggle half of his heritage, his features showed no outward hints of disdain towards this abandoned building. Rather, his face revealed a sort of detached curiosity.

His profile lined in the ethereal glow of night, Severus ran his hand along a support column, and looked up. "Are they going to tear it down?"

"I don't know. I hope not," she answered, her gaze trailing after him as he walked across a swath of light cast through one of the windows lining the wall.

In truth, Lily was glad that he had accepted her invitation. She was starting her adult life, and he was doing the same; both of them searching for their place in the wizarding world. It was a busy time, and they had not seen each other since leaving school almost four weeks ago.

His absence had left a void—a larger one than she had reckoned—and she often wondered about where he was, who he was with. The latter often worried her, for it was no secret that he was walking a precarious line.

Severus was caught in a delicate situation, had been for a number of years. Living in Slytherin House had not been easy for him, she knew. Many of his "friends" were well on their way to becoming Death Eaters—if they weren't already. And though Severus seldom spoke of it, Lily wasn't naïve; she knew that he had been under considerable pressure to join their cause and sever his friendship with her.

With school now behind them, Lily had thought that things might get a bit easier. Unfortunately, they hadn't. Severus was a brilliant wizard, exceptionally so. But he had trouble fitting in with those who were opposed to Voldemort's rise to power. In short, people didn't always know what to make of him. His talents had not gone unnoticed, however, and Lily had recently learned that Lucius Malfoy had offered his patronage to finance an apprenticeship. It had become something of a sensitive subject between them, for there were many rumours swirling about the Malfoys, none of them good.

The idea that Severus might cave under pressure, that he might join the Death Eaters… it saddened and frightened her to no end. Although she hadn't asked, and therefore couldn't be sure, something told her he hadn't taken the Dark Mark yet. And so long as that was true, there was still hope for him.

"Alright, so what now?" Severus asked, interrupting her line of thought.

Remembering why they were here, Lily nudged her head toward the ceiling, and smiled. "We go up."

A minute or so later, the two stood on a back section of the roof, looking up and out, at the houses and buildings, at the stars which shimmered in the velvet blackness. The view might have been expansive, but the ledge on which they were standing was not. Sandwiched between a wall and a low metal railing, it was only wide enough to sit and stretch out on. Nevertheless, it was perfect.

"Isn't it lovely up here?"

In lieu of replying, Severus neared the railing, his chin-length hair stirring ever so slightly in the temperate summer breeze. Watching him, Lily couldn't help but notice the subtle changes in his appearance. Maybe she was imagining it, but he seemed different, slightly taller than she remembered. Continuing her visual study of him, she removed her rucksack and knelt down to rummage through it. Stealing glances, she eventually decided that the change was not in his height, but in his posture. Severus carried himself differently. His shoulders weren't as slouched, and he didn't seem to be hiding behind his hair anymore. There was a growing confidence about him. And while she was glad to see it, it made her wonder.

Was the change due to the fact that he no longer had to deal with school bullies? Or was it something else, something that had to do with his apprenticeship and the fact that Lucius Malfoy obviously believed in him.

That last thought saddened her greatly. She believed in Severus, too. _I always have_.

Bringing her focus to the task at hand, Lily reached deep into her rucksack. Due to an Undetectable Extension Charm, it was much larger on the inside than it was on the outside. "Here we are." First, she retrieved a folded blanket. Then came a set of glasses.

"What's all that?" Severus asked as he spun around to face her.

"So many questions," Lily teased, then handed him the blanket. "Help me, will you?"

Acquiescing, he unfolded the quilt, and set it down. When she brought out a small radio, his left eyebrow rose towards his hairline—such a _Severus_ thing to do—and he sat down next to her. "What, no television set?"

"Ha ha, very funny." Not wanting to draw unwanted attention to the fact that they were up here, Lily cast a quick Sound Muffling Charm, ignoring the curious look he threw at her. Then, with a quick turn of a knob, a soft tune started to float out of the speakers. It was a hit from Fleetwood Mac, a song titled _Dreams_.

"Don't tell me you actually like that rubbish."

She had to chuckle. "As a matter of fact, I do." Severus' personality was quite abrasive, it was true. But Lily didn't mind, found she liked him as he was.

Reaching into her rucksack once more, she produced the evening's beverage. "Firewhiskey?"

Severus merely looked at her for a moment, his eyebrow cocked in a way that said, "_Who are you and what have you done with Lily Evans?_" Okay so it wasn't her usual drink. But a girl had to be adventurous sometimes, right? Another second went by and his lips curved into a hint of a smile. He went with it. "Sure."

Drinks were poured and they leaned back against the wall. A companionable silence settled between them.

Her gaze lost to the horizon, Lily sighed after a while. "It's strange, isn't it? Being finished with school."

"I suppose."

"I'm going to miss it, I think."

At this, Severus scoffed. "Well that makes one of us."

Lily couldn't really blame him for feeling this way. While her experience at school had been great, his had been quite difficult at times. It broke her heart really, for life had always been cruel to Severus.

Aware that he would resent her pity, she schooled her features and took another sip. The alcohol burned its way down her throat. "I'm glad you came tonight. When I sent you that letter, I wasn't sure you would."

He met her gaze just then, his eyes dark and mysterious from behind the black curtain of his hair. Seconds flitted past, and although Severus said nothing, Lily understood that he was glad to be here as well. In the face of this, her skin unexpectedly rose in goose flesh, and a series of little flutters started burgeoning from deep within her being.

Taken aback by this reaction, Lily broke the visual connection, and cleared her throat. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see that Severus had done the same, and was now looking at his drink.

"Have you found a flat yet?" she asked, eager to break the silence.

"I've been looking, but no. You?"

"I might have found something in London. But it won't be available until August."

From there, Lily talked about her career plans. In the fall, she was set to start a two year training in Advanced Charms. It was a rather broad area of study. But it would open doors for her in various fields. She was looking forward to it.

By sharing her plans, she had thought that Severus might choose to open up as well. Alas, he did not, and the conversation dwindled. Searching her brain for something, _anything_, that would keep their evening from petering out, Lily shifted a little. "I have an idea," she started, "Let's play a game."

Severus actually snorted. "What sort of game?"

"I ask a question. You answer. Then you ask a question, and I answer."

"Aren't we too old for that sort of thing?"

"No, we're not. I'll start."

At first, the questions were simple, random even. But as Lily kept pondering the uncertain future of their friendship, she felt compelled to ask the following, "I know we've both been busy, but I haven't seen you at all since we got off the train after finishing school. Why don't you come round anymore?"

Severus did not answer straightaway. Seemingly unwilling to return her gaze, he looked at the horizon. "I do." His velvet voice was low. "I did."

Lily hadn't known that. "When?"

"Three nights ago." He downed the rest of his firewhiskey, and went on to say, "You weren't exactly alone." There was much emphasis on that last word, and he followed it with a sardonic cluck of his tongue.

It took a few moments, but eventually it dawned on her. "James," she said. He had swung by and they had spent a portion of the evening sitting and talking on the front steps.

"Yes, _him_." The loathing in his voice was not surprising. The two absolutely despised each other.

"He's my friend, Sev." Okay so James was interested in being much more than friends, but nothing had happened, and she wasn't with him. Lily continued, "That's what friends do. They visit each other. Besides, I didn't bring you here so we could talk about James."

"Why did you then?" This time, he sought out her eyes, and the mood shifted. As a strange tension asserted itself, he simply looked at her. His gaze was dark, intense. And although it was subtle, there was something else in his eyes, something she couldn't quite define.

"Because. I wanted to see you, I... " For goodness sake, why couldn't she say it right? And why was her heart beating so fast? "I needed... to see you." Startled by the nakedness of her confession, Lily tried to quiet the loud thrumming in her chest.

In an apparent attempt at making sense of what she had said, Severus narrowed his eyes, and opened his mouth to speak. Words were slow to form, however. In the end, only one spilled forth. "Needed..." It was a murmur, a statement and a question.

A second went by, and then another. "Yes," she breathed. Without really thinking about it, Lily closed the gap, pressed her lips to his. It was sudden, instinctive, and her ears caught the slight hitch in his breathing.

Her heart guiding her actions, she tried to ignore the panic in her brain, the little voice that said, "_Oh my God. I'm kissing Severus_." Severus! Her best friend!

For a heartbeat or two, he seemed frozen into place, his lips soft yet motionless against hers. But then, as a whimpering hum rose in her throat, Severus returned the kiss, deepened it.

At last, Lily's brain yielded to the resonant longing in her heart. As her palms mapped his shoulders, she relaxed into his embrace. _Yes, _she calmly repeated to herself, _I'm here with Severus_. Suddenly, it wasn't weird at all. There was a rightness to it, a balance. And then it struck her: somewhere along the way, she had fallen for him. Quite hard. Perhaps she had known all along.

As Severus cupped her face, his mouth reverently tasting hers, a veil of tears gathered beneath her eyelids. Adrift, Lily sighed, then leaned further into him, kissed and kissed. It was wonderful and thrilling.

And yet...

Knowing that their relationship stood on the edge of a blade, that he might be out of her life soon... it simply gutted her. If Severus took the Dark Mark, then whatever _this_ was would be over before it even started. She wasn't ready for it to end. She wasn't ready to let go of him; her oldest and dearest friend.

Eventually, their lips parted on a moist smack. But neither of them pulled away. Presently, Severus was looking at her mouth, almost as if he couldn't wrap his mind around what had just happened. With his thumb, he followed a trail from her cheekbone to her jaw-line.

Breathless, Lily trembled, simply couldn't help it. As she sought to catalogue his features, her thoughts were invariably drawn towards the war, and the part he might come to play in it.

_Ask him_, she pleaded with herself. _You need to know, Lily_. But her resolve was weak, and the unspoken questions would have to wait. Severus shifted, leaning ever closer, his lips almost touching hers. As he hovered, his palms coming to rest on the blanket, Lily watched him watch her. Merlin, he was intense.

Severus claimed her mouth once more. She yielded, her eyelids falling heavily. This time the kiss was heated, bordering on desperate. When he started guiding her towards the blanket, Lily knew that she couldn't put it off anymore. She had to know. With a hand to his chest, she regretfully stopped him, spoke against his mouth. "What's going to happen, Severus? With us, I mean. Are you really going to…" Eyes closed, her heart racing, she drew a shuddering breath. "Are you really planning on joining them?" And there it was; her fear put into words.

His breathing as jagged as her own, he hesitated. The moment hung there. "I..." There was a note of despair in his voice.

Afraid of what he might say, Lily held her breath, one hand curling into his jacket, the other slowly gliding down his cheek, and traveling lower still, to the side of his neck. Beneath her fingertips, she could feel the frantic rhythm of his pulse.

"I don't know," Severus admitted at length. "It's complicated."

And just like that, the proverbial spell shattered into a thousand little pieces. As Severus eased away from her, she slowly sat up, her voice a mere whisper when she said, "You don't belong with them, Sev."

"Where then? Where exactly do I belong, Lily?" In a sudden motion, his arm rose to indicate the carpet of houses beyond the railing. "I don't fit in your world!" A heavy silence followed, and the look on his face was filled with a hopelessness she had never seen before.

"You could. You just can't see it." A tear rolled down her cheek. She made no move to wipe it away.

"You don't understand. I can't just..." He leaned back against the wall, his posture one of defeat. "You don't know what it's like." With that, he rubbed his face and made a sound; this muffled utterance of frustration and despair.

That Severus was stuck on the idea of pledging his life to the service of You-Know-Who filled her with an ache that was gnawing and deeply felt. It was terrifying, heartbreaking even. "Maybe I don't. But there's one thing I do know." Reaching out, she grasped his hands, and lowered them. "If you become a Death Eater... you can't be in my life anymore. I'm a Muggle-born. I'm everything they hate." It was a simple but devastating truth. _Why can't you see it?_ "You're going to have to choose."

Unwilling or unable to look at her, Severus averted his eyes, got to his feet. Clenching his fists, he then turned to stare at the empty lot behind the library.

As seconds turned into a minute, Lily gazed at his back, and waited. Finally, "Talk to me, Severus."

"What do you want me to say?" It was a lashing retort filled with hurt and resentment. "You bring me here. You kiss me. And then... and then you go and you throw an ultimatum in my face!"

Alright so he had a point. She should not have kissed him with so many unanswered questions lingering between them. Still, Lily could not ignore the main issue. She could not condone the choice he seemed to be leaning toward. "Excuse me, but I care a great deal about you. I don't want to see you throw your life away."

Silence.

"This was a mistake," Severus said after a while. He sounded as hollow as she felt. "I should go."

Tears blurring her vision, Lily watched as Severus made for the door. When his hand was a hairsbreadth from grasping the handle, she called out to him, "Just so you know, that kiss wasn't a ploy, or a means to manipulate you."

He tensed, but kept his back to her.

She continued, "I kissed you because... well, because I wanted to kiss you." Lily hoped that he would decipher the truth in her words. She had meant them.

Severus turned just so, and met her gaze. There was a brief flicker of emotion in his eyes. But then, without a word, he pressed on the handle, and stalked off, the door slamming shut behind him. The metal clang seemed to reverberate long after he had gone.

How could everything have gone so horribly wrong so fast? With a quick sweep of her palm, Lily wiped the tears from her cheeks. It was no use though. They kept falling, and she was powerless to stop them.

Besieged by a tumult of emotions, Lily closed her eyes, and wept quietly. _Curse this war_, she thought bitterly, _curse this blasted war and all the heartache it's causing_. It was all so needless. Why couldn't Severus see what was so bloody obvious to her? Joining the Death Eaters would be the biggest mistake of his life. He didn't belong with them, no matter what he said. A considerable part of her was quite angry with him for failing to see this. But also, she was angry with herself. _What have I done?_

Tonight should have been about their friendship, about holding on to it. Instead, she had blundered, and in doing so had probably hastened its conclusion.

Kissing him like she had, without giving thought to what it might do to him, had been inconsiderate on her part, cruel even. Although she had never acknowledged it, Lily was neither blind nor stupid, had known that Severus harboured deep feelings for her.

Consequently, her actions had been tantamount to holding a plate of food in front of a starving man, then pulling it away after a few bites, saying, "_You can only have more if you do what I want_." Of course, she hadn't meant it that way. The kiss, while unexpected, had been genuine. Very much so. But it was too late. Severus had left. She didn't really blame him.

How long she sat there, Lily would not have been able to say. It was a while though. As the stars wheeled across the sky, her tears began to subside. Sadly, such was not the case with the ache in her heart. If anything, it was more pronounced, and getting worse.

It was only when the wind picked up that Lily started gathering her things. Finished with her task, she got to her feet, and looked around.

She would never come here again.

The wind swirled in small puffs, stirring her hair, and sweeping long, wavy strands across her cheek. Squaring her shoulders, Lily drew a steadying breath, then reached for the door handle. It was getting late. She needed to go home.

Her footsteps echoing in time with the dull thudding of her heart, she made her way down the stairwell, Severus still anchored firmly within her thoughts. She would have to call him in the morning. To say what? She had no idea.

Something occurred to her just then. Severus might not even be home in the morning. To be honest, there was no way of knowing where he would end up tonight. Wont to frequent dubious circles, he could be with them right now, with the same people who were trying to recruit him.

Her mind supplying an image of Severus clad in the dark regalia of the Death Eaters, Lily suppressed a shudder, and hoped to God that he wouldn't do anything stupid. Willing the thought out of her head, she continued down the steps, reached a landing, and started down the last flight. That's when she stopped dead in her tracks.

Severus had not gone after all. Lily could see him, his silhouette lined in blue, courtesy of the moonlit window to his left. He was sitting near the bottom of the steps, his head cradled in his hands.

"You're still here," she called out, almost breathlessly. The air had rushed out of her lungs at the sight of him. Releasing the strap in her hand, she allowed her rucksack to fall at her feet. "I thought you'd left."

"I did leave. For a minute or two."

Although she had slowed in her pace, Lily continued down the steps, her hand ghosting along the railing. "But you came back."

"I couldn't... I mean, I didn't want to..." This wasn't easy for him. She could tell. Severus was struggling to find the words. Ultimately, he chose a different route. "All I've ever wanted was to make something of myself, Lily. To be the kind of man that..." The sentence trailed, and then he rose. When he turned around, the mask had fallen. "To be the kind of man you could respect."

Her heart broke a little. "But I do," she said to him. "I do respect you. As you are."

Severus blinked a slow blink. _Please believe me_, Lily prayed.

Her feet carried her forward, ever downward, until they stood at eye level. "I don't want to lose you, Sev."

The wind pushed against a nearby windowpane, the sound echoing through the stairwell. Their gazes never wavered.

"You won't," Severus told her at last.

Did she understand him correctly? Could she dare to hope? She had to know. "So then—"

"Between you and them," he continued, "It's no contest, Lily. It would always be you."

It took a few moments for his words to finally sink in. But when they did, Lily felt a rush of relief and joy unlike anything she had ever experienced before. A full smile piercing through the overwhelming emotions coursing through her, she snaked her arms around him, and he returned the embrace. Secure in his proximity, Lily buried her face in the crook of his neck, inhaled the scent of him. Tears were gathering once more, and she had to shut her eyes to hold them back.

"You really meant it earlier." Severus' words were spoken on a deep half-whisper, and she felt the warmth of his breath on the rim of her ear. "What you said about..."

"About wanting to kiss you?" she asked, needing to make sure.

He nodded.

"I meant it, yes." Lily felt his hold tighten on her just then, heard the quivering breath he gave. For a moment, Severus bowed his head as if in thanks. It nearly shattered her. From there, he sought her face, his hooded eyes searching her features.

They hovered on the edge of more for what seemed like a long moment. And then they were kissing, slowly, very deeply.

All hurt had vanished. Gone were the doubts. Gone was the spectre of diverging paths. Severus was not lost to her after all.

Oh the road wouldn't be easy. There were many obstacles still standing in their way, not the least of which were their respective friends, people who had never approved of the special bond they shared. _Sod them_, she thought.

They would do their best to make it work. The two of them, together.

In time, he would find his place in the wizarding world—Severus was exceedingly talented after all—and they would be okay. Lily chose to believe this. She believed in him, in them.


End file.
